Finding Soul-Radiance at Rock Bottom

I am writing to you today to share some personal anecdotes from my time in the Underworld (still here actually), and to offer a perspective that has been deeply supportive to finding radiance through the discomfort. Light a candle and some incense, grab a cup of tea, let's dive in...

Since Spring of last year, I have been pulled below the surface of the mundane world. Rocked to my foundation by one rupture after another, there has been a distinct progression to the process of surrender.

First, there was collapse. My body's response to the shock and grief of sudden loss, I see an image of God's foot pressing my head into the dirt. This is the kind of surrender that simply leaves no choice in the matter. There isn't even energy to object or fight. I was in bed for the majority of months, either physically weak or too exhausted to stay awake.

Next came the frustration and anger. The notion that I was "ready to get back to normal already!" was loud and demanding within me. I craved something external to simulate a sense of excitement or satisfaction amidst the grim landscape of my world.

The initiatory events kept coming. When I truly thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Again. And again. As I plummeted deeper into despair, fear, shame and heartbreak, I came in contact with primal wounds from my early life. Parts of me that I had forgotten about, that held some of the most tender and insecure stories I unknowingly held.

As the months rolled on, and as I became fluent in the feeling tones of intense pain and unknown, there came a new phase of this metamorphic journey.

Something softer than I had known in many moons. Layer after layer, meeting the roots of my shadow, I felt a gradual shift into finding a sense of "home" here in the world below. No longer wishing to be above with the comings and goings of society, no longer feeling left out or left behind. I found myself quite comfortable and settled, existing in my own dimension, moving in slow motion where compared to the rest of the world. Much of my time spent alone, in rest, with the horses and birds and trees. Or with the few beloveds who welcomed me in this utterly raw and un-sparkly form. I became the barest, truest me, stripped of ambitions, goals and any fucks once given.

What came next was truly the biggest surprise of all. The external world at large has started to mirror me as an effortless transmission of soul-radiance.

For those who are unfamiliar, soul-radiance is that unmistakable magnetism we can feel rippling off of of someone when they are embodying their authentic expression. Here's the thing though-- we often associate this idea of "radiance" with achievement, purpose, service, action! But I'm realizing that is only one side of the coin.

We become radiant too, when we are authentic in our experience of being in the dark night of the soul. True soul-radiance occurs anytime we are able to find home in ourselves. This includes rock bottom, peak moments at the mountaintop or casual moments at the kitchen sink.

In this current surrender, which is truly acceptance in its purest form, I am receiving out-of-the-blue compliments, positive reflections and praise left, right and center. I am not *doing* anything, in fact I simply do not have the energy to try to be anything other than exactly who and where I am in this season of life. And THAT is allowing pure, true, authentic self to shine through. I feel at home in myself, and that has a deeply healing and magnetic effect on those around me.

The work of becoming who we are is made infinitely easier when we have a dedicated container to process, explore and move with those deep and often elusive layers beneath the surface of our everyday self.

In my 1:1 mentorship, I work with deeply-feeling, highly-intuitive women who are tired of forcing themselves to be low-maintenance, who are navigating liminal spaces or transitions in their lives, and who are ready to meet themselves exactly where they are.

I thank you for tuning-in to these musings. If nothing else, I hope these words have brought a sense of comfort, hope and solidarity. I am wishing you a blessed week, dear one. May our hearts be nourished by big things, and small things too.